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The Men In My Life

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My life would be incomplete without them. Every time things go wrong, I reach out for them. They are not one, but many. My needs are not one, but far too many. Just one man is not enough.
Oh, they are a pain. They make me go on a wild goose chase, they make me wait, they make me stew and fret. Just one call is not enough. Heartless, insolent, smooth liars – yet I can’t survive without them. What they do, the husband can do better, but he is so busy and always short on time. I don’t want to stress him any further. Sometimes I wish I could do it myself. My life would be so much simpler.
I have a daily morning guy too. At the crack of dawn, the first person I think of is him. Does he know how impatiently I wait for him? Peering anxiously over the balcony, the sight of his parked scooter sends me into a frenzy. My heart leaps with joy when I hear the sound of his shuffling footsteps and I rush to open the door just when I hear the gentle thud on the foot mat.
Today I need another one; in fact I have been waiting for him for the last one week. I dial his number again, its Kumar Sanu singing a cheesy Nadeem Shravan number. Even if my ears revolt in disgust, I almost sigh in relief. After hearing “the number you’re calling is busy, please try later” 25 consecutive times, it’s refreshing to hear the caller tune, so what if it a nasal voice that drives you nuts. I can understand - he’s so much in demand. But what I don’t understand is his disgusting taste in music. Why Kumar Sanu wailing about a missing Saajan, is always a caller tune on Salim carpenter, Ghanshyam gaswallah, Alam the plumber, Jitender the newspaper guy, Pandey Jee the electrician’s mobile. When I speak to them my voice is dripping with honey, I have to be persuasive to beat the queue of waiting, wailing madam jees. Once I managed to put on such a convincing act, that the gas delivery guy turned up at my door in three hours flat. One look at his rabid yellow eyes, scratching his you know what, I almost hid behind the door cowering in fear. Yeesh, how do I manage to turn my charm on all the wrong people? Only in desperation!
He finally picks up the phone. With incredible patience, I speak slowly and clearly.....Aaj aa rahe ho naa? Chaar din se wait kaar rahi hoon main tumhara, 100 baar phone kaar chookee hoon main( I hope, you are coming today. I have been waiting for four long days for you, must have called you at least a hundred times)....and then the dam breaks. Apnaa ringtone badal nahinn sakte! Dimaag kharab ho gayaa hai meraa, yeh ganaa sun sun ke!!! (Can’t you change that ring tone of yours? I have gone nuts listening to that same number again and again).
And just as I sink back on the seat, the cabbie ups the volume of his stereo. Its god damn Sanu again howling about a bedard baalam!! Arrrrghhh!!!!

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