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Scam: An Idiot’s Guide

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What is Scam?

Any Dictionary worth its salt, defines it as a fraud, a dishonest scheme, a swindle. But a more recent definition and one that is more suitable for the current times, is ….”Scam is a way of life.” It is the one thing that will make you rise quickly. It is to your bank balance what booster rockets are to a space shuttle.

There are various types of scams and they can be divided into various categories, depending on various factors like Money Involved, Area Covered, People Effected. It can be at a small-scale like simple food adulteration to a larger one like Land Scams and 2G to a much larger one like the Parliament. It can be a government venture like Mayawati Parks, it can be something private like the various fake universities or it can be a joint venture like the latest Radia tapes have shown.

It can be local or state level like building scams, land scams. It can be National like…god there are many examples of that, read the daily papers. It could be International like those e-mails from a Nigerian Bank, trying to sell you creams that will make you tall, thin, fair, smart, handsome, beautiful anything.

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But Why Scam?Isn’t it immoral?

Errrr…what? Immoral?? What is immoral? The definition of morality and immorality changes with time. This may have been immoral in the times of Ramayana, but that was ages ago. Even Krishna told Arjun that he should do what he was meant to do.

And why not? Everyone is doing it. It is the latest rage. It is like playing Mafia Wars. You start at a low-level. Do jobs and other stuff to build up cash, reputation, increase level etc. Then start expanding by getting others to join your Mafia. Then you kick the ass of the rivals till you are the big fish. The only difference is that while on Facebook you might get or send random invites from strangers with “Mafia” written in the message…..here you have to be a bit choosy to begin with.

Everyone can do it. This may sound like a “For Dummy’s series” cliché…..but seriously any one can do it. You just need to have some grey matter and good communication skills. No qualifications are needed and the beauty of this game is that if you are good you can play a lone wolf too. Though a team is important to help you watch your back but there are some impressive examples of individual players.

Plus it is a huge market and it is growing. You can do it in any field. The world is open to you.

But How Do I Start?

That is an important problem that every fresher faces. Sometimes, you just don’t know how to start. It happens to the best of us. Can be due to lack of motivation or lack of guidance. For this we have prepared a 9 point program to get out that Scammer in you. I am saying “We” because though I have expanded upon them, the main points have been provided by Miss Pzes, a friend.

Decide What You Want to Scam About: Open your eyes look around. There is a whole dearth of unexplored territory. You could begin selling property on moon. Or how about fishes for penguin scam which can be like the famous fodder for cows one. We have a base on Antarctica and that is a “Path less travelled.”
Make Detailed Intricate Plans: Planning is a must for any venture. While real-time tactics are fine but a solid strategy will ensure that you will go places. Plan ahead. Make Plans A, B, C till you can make no more. Look for loop holes in the system and try not to leave them in yours.
Blabbermouth it to Office or Friend Circle: This can be both negative and positive. Negative because your lack of secrecy could get you in a tricky situation. But positive because it might help you gain new allies. Like I said…expand your Mafia. It is a gamble…take it if you are willing to expand.
Wait For Back Stabbing Moron: If you followed the previous point then you should know that it might happen. It could either be a stupid fool who believes that your ways are wrong and might try to inform the concerned authority. Or it could be a smarter than thou, who starts the scam while you were busy mulling over it on the drawing board. That is why we need a well thought of and planned strategy.
Execute….use Power/Force/Money: After things are finalised, it is time to execute them. Start slow and then go all guns a’ blazing. Money is the most powerful of all tools and includes both Power and Force as you can buy everything with it. Everyman has a price and woman too. Step over people; crush them if they come in the way. It is the weak who show mercy.
Include Entire Family…Must Share And Care: And to also ensure that majority of the share enters your coffers. Give positions to your near and dear ones. If not family then friends who are extremely loyal to you. But keep some aces up your sleeve, in case one them tries to pull the rug from under your feet.
Backstabbing Friend Re-surfaces….tadaaa: Now if you were lenient and showed mercy then you brought this on yourself. Ask him/her what he/she wants. If it is a share of the scam pie then give something to nibble on that would satisfy his/her hunger. Try force and power to negotiate.
You Are Screwed…uh oh!: The friend was an idealist who spilled the beans on you before you could deal with him/her permanently. Or you were caught making a deal on a video or audio tape that was published by some moron magazine or shown by some stupid channel. Or let us say, lady luck decided to frown on you.
Oh Ooops!…You Are In India…That is Not Happening: That should be the least of your worries. This is a free country and everyone has the right to earn a living. Moreover, you could always fake health issues and spend time in the VVIP ward of a hospital, where you get facilities at par with the finest hotels and let the Government pay. And then a few days later a new scam will be unearthed and everyone will forget what you did. So, No Worries. Hakuna Matata as the Lion King would say.

Pat Yourself

I am sure, these steps will take you on the high road of Scam-avana. Happy Scamming! :)

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